My high school sweetheart was the
most interesting person I'd ever met. He'd spent several years in Europe
and was multilingual, suave, and dashing. But I had trouble with a habit
he'd picked up in his time abroad--that of bathing infrequently.
I became rabidly fixated on getting him to wash his hair more often and
dress in familiar, lackluster American-style clothing. I wasn't subtle
as I tried to extinguish the very uniqueness that had attracted me in
the first place. I actually dragged him to the sink and washed his hair!
I'm a little wiser now. My husband, Gordon, and I celebrate and respect
each other, including our idiosyncrasies. He knows I'm a workaholic who
isn't always available to go for a walk or take in a movie. "That's my
girl," he'll chuckle as I scurry around like a maniac--which makes me
want to slow down and spend more time with him. And I know he can
sometimes mull things over a little too long--but I love his depth and
thoughtfulness.
Still, it can be hard not to nag or manipulate when there's something
about your partner you want to change--and let's face it, every husband
or lover has an irritating habit or two. Yet pushing and criticism don't
work very well; you're more likely to foster anger and resistance than
the improvement you're after. Fortunately, when you replace blame and
judgment with acceptance, intimacy grows.
But if you want to stop trying to "fix" your partner, you're probably
going to have to work on yourself: It won't do either of you any good
for you to bite your tongue and simmer with resentment. Howard Markman,
PhD, director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the
University of Denver, has spent more than 30 years investigating what
makes marriage work. One of his observations is that it doesn't take a
major miracle to shift the dynamic of a relationship. A small adjustment
in your own behavior can make a huge difference. So when you find
yourself wishing you could change your partner, here are a few tips for
transforming...yourself.
Laugh at Yourself
Just as I tried to do with my high school beau, women often
unconsciously want to remake their partners into a version of
themselves, says Loretta LaRoche, a humorist and stress-management
expert who lectures at the Mind/Body Medical Institute of Boston. But
the attempt is doomed--and a little crazy. So she uses humor to get
people to examine what they're doing without making them defensive. She
might ask a woman to imagine her burly mate in a dress, talking in a
high-pitched voice. Does she really want him to be just like her? If the
answer's no, she says, focus on appreciating the differences that
brought you together to begin with.
Make Your Happiness Your Business
Talia was a physician who attended one of my workshops. She had chosen a
demanding life--and, maybe for balance, had also chosen Steve, a more
laid-back man, as her husband. But she found herself resenting what had
drawn her to him. Even the crumbs he left on the counter drove her
crazy, and she wondered, Doesn't anyone around here do anything but
me?
Nagging Steve just made him feel under-appreciated and angry. Finally,
she realized, "I'm making myself miserable, I'm making him miserable,
and I'm going to lose him." So she let Steve know she was getting off
his case. She put a bumper sticker on her car that read Stop Global
Whining. It worked: He appreciated her willingness to look at her
own behavior, and he felt more valued. Did he start cleaning up his
crumbs? No. But they stopped bickering so much and began enjoying each
other again.
Be a Flattering Mirror
Bill O'Hanlon, a Santa Fe, NM, based psychotherapist and author of Do
One Thing Different, has said: "If you want to be certain your
partner will act like a jerk, accuse him of being one." Actually, he
used a different term than jerk, but his point is that your expectations
are powerful. If all you see when you look at your husband are his flaws
and failings, you'll make it very hard for him to be the best version of
himself. Focus on one of his strengths--and if nothing comes to mind,
think of what your friends like and respect about him. Their view may be
clearer. After all, it's not clouded by the thought of the dirty clothes
he keeps leaving on the floor.
Remember that just about every trait can be seen as good or bad. What
one person views as argumentative, a second dubs passionate. Another old
boyfriend of mine was a bit of a hippie, and it used to bother him that
I love clothes and spend time on my appearance. Gordon sees the same
trait in me but responds very differently: When we're out, he takes
pleasure in pointing out dresses in store windows he thinks I might
like.
When I looked in the mirror held up by my old boyfriend, I saw someone
small-minded and petty. When I look in Gordon's mirror, I see a
creative, aesthetic, playful woman. Guess which relationship is better?
Of course, Gordon isn't perfect; nor am I. He still wishes that I were
less busy, for the sake of my own happiness. But he supports me in being
who I am. And as a result of that acceptance and love--the true sources
of positive change--I've decided to slow down.
Joan Borysenko, PhD, is a scientist,
psychologist, inspirational speaker, and author of Inner Peace for
Busy Women and Inner Peace for Busy People.
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